The 2014 Midterm Elections were last night and if you’re like most Americans, you probably don’t give a shit. Well I do, because giving feels good and shitting feels better. So why not combine the two? Plus I work for a news organization and part of my job requires I pay closer attention than most to what’s going on. Here are some choice tweets from my twitter feed. Follow me here.
Voting matters. If you make the wrong choice, America will get worse. If you make the right choice, America will get worse slower.
This election night, like all election nights, will end the same: with my penis smelling like pizza.
Here’s a fun election night drinking game: Drink cyanide.
This election is about showing the world why we’re one of the top 196 countries on Earth.
Midterm Elections — Where less than half the people pick the 500 people who will fuck over all of the people.
For a party of racists Republicans sure love dark money.
The personhood amendment means tiny bootstraps will now be installed in women’s vaginas because that’s all a person needs.
“ARE YOU FUCKING ZLORPING ME?” – aliens visiting Earth who were just told why America votes on Tuesday
Florida Man Wins Election
Don’t blame me. I voted for Kodos.
The nice thing about American Democracy is that no matter who you vote for you’re voting against your own self-interest.
“Give it to me, Mitch McConnell! Give it to me all night!” – Lobbyists
Hey #Youth, Put down your iPod and pick up a ballot! Then put that down that ballot and go lose your virginity, ya square! #YouthVote #Vote