Republicans Are More Than People, Much More

by Hank Thompson on October 31, 2014

Here’s a thing I made. It parodies that ‘Republicans Are People, Too’ video, which made the case that like people, Republicans are also people. It took many clicks of the mouse and if you watch it your genitals will get bigger. Watch the original first and it will make much more sense.

 

 

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Rob Cantor’s Shia LaBeouf Video Is Absolute Genius

by Hank Thompson on October 24, 2014

Rob Cantor (no relation) is new to me but I’m glad he’s alive. This video is simply magic and must be watched immediately without hesitation.

Amazing. There’s too much insanity too enjoy but the main thing is the sheer spectacle. It obviously took a lot of effort and coordination to put together and for that many talented people to apply their talents to something so insane and weird covers my dead heart with goosebumps of excitement and inspiration.

Definitely going to be investigating this Rob Cantor (no relation) fellow, just as soon as my jealousy boner dies down.

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Hosted TYT140 on The Young Turks

by Hank Thompson on October 22, 2014

I got to guest-host a show at The Young Turks called TYT140, “a lot of news in a little time.” It’s a daily segment in which five news stories, which is a lot, get delivered in 140 seconds, which is a little. Each one ends with a zing Jay Leno himself would grunt at.

Not only did I say the words in front of the camera, I also wrote them. Have a watch:

And to the commenter wondering why I didn’t go with Blade Runner, HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY JUDGMENT?

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Should You Move To LA?

by Hank Thompson on October 18, 2014

A friend was at a crossroads anyone can relate to: What do I do next?

Sometimes the answer is easy. You stop masturbating and get back to the office. You throw away your Wendy’s trash and update your Wendy’s blog. You turn off the He-Man porn and you try to get some sleep before the flight lands. Simple.

But there are times when answering that question isn’t so easy. It can carry momentous consequences for the life you’ll lead and the story you’ll tell. Sometimes, the answers will turn up in your obituary. It’s THAT important. Who to breed with? Marry? Career? Where to live? Sorry, whom– whom to breed with. Ya happy?

In the comedic world, people are drawn to New York or LA, after deciding their incubation period is over. This is the choice my friend was mulling. Because I moved to LA after incubating in Chicago for four years (I wish I had one more year!), she asked if I like LA and if I thought she would like living in LA. I’d been in LA about a year when she  wrote. I figured I’d share my response in case there’s some insight others facing a similar choice could use.

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Should I move to LA or NY?

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My response:

Alright, Yes, I think you’ll like LA if you move here. Happy? Only you can answer that, which is such a disappointing answer. I didn’t expect to like it as much as I do. The public image of LA is either celebrity glitz and glam or terrible violence in the ghetto, because those are the interesting parts, but that’s a very warped picture.

If jealousy comes easy then LA is a bad place to live. You’re surrounded by wealth, fancy cars, stores, mansions, good-looking people, restaurants, hair-dos, etc. There’s also a historic grit and gritty history to the place that is cool. The thing that has surprised me most is the vast ordinariness of much of it. The place is filled with regular people carving out a simple existence just like anywhere. Yes, it’s an industry town. A high percentage do SOMETHING in The Business, creative or otherwise (trucks and food, the two things that make everything happen). People here are either wanna-bes, bes, or usedta-bes. The douche factor is high, but dwarfing it is the hard-working creative factor that drives most people to do what they do. Generally, those who move here do so because they’re motivated to succeed in their chosen field, and moving here makes you even more motivated. It’s the big leagues. Time to quit being an amateur. Or go home and tell your parents they were right.

I’ve met a lot of cool, smart, creative people who are just following their nose toward whatever passion attracts them. In that way, I fit in. LA makes a bad first impression because it’s all highways and confusion and traffic, but past that first impression a whole diverse and vibrant world emerges. Street fairs and restaurants and gardens and beautiful tree-lined streets and weird museums and all that crap. It’s lovely. I haven’t been to New York but I’m confident in saying it has a distinct energy from New York. It’s more laid-back, much less crowded, car-based. I’ve barely begun to explore all the cool things LA has to offer.

It’s a different kind of hustle and bustle. I hate crowds so it suits me. You can define your pace here more than the high vibration of New York. But maybe the lack of that energy will be a deficit that wounds you. Shrug. I doubt it, but I don’t know you that well. Hopefully you do.

I think the two questions you have to answer are: Where do your source your happiness and where do you source your misery? Because you’ll experience both here, not necessarily because of here. Also, how do you cope with each?

Weather aside (yes, the weather is magnificent and shouldn’t be discounted in your consideration. Don’t over-romanticize the suffering of winter.), do you manage happiness and frustration internally or externally? Maybe both. Is your identity based on your work or your location? Likely a mix but everyone has their own ratio.

It’s full if opportunity but there’s a lot of competition. If your heart is in developing as a stand up go to New York. Stage time here is much less available compared to there. There’s still a massive stand up community here; it’s just not New York. If your ambitions extend beyond just stand up (for me, i want to write, and ultimately create a show) then LA has a lot offer.

I guess it comes down to attitude and expectation. People who hate LA seem mostly frustrated about their own failings but the overt characteristics of this town serve as a convenient scapegoat. It’s an old story. But so is people loving it. Yes, you’ll like LA.

Let me know how I can help.

-Hank

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Harry Potter Character Tests Are Shockingly Accurate

by Hank Thompson on March 7, 2014

You see these things posted all the time, the Which-Such-And-Such-Character-Are-You test, often Golden Girls, often Game of Thrones, often Game of Golden Girls, but the Harry Potter one is quite common. I took the test. I answered honestly.

This is the result.

Follow me on Twitter: @Hank_Thompson

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creation debate header 600

The debate between science advocate/bow tie model Bill Nye and creationist Ken Ham purported to settle the question, “Is creation a viable model of origins in today’s modern, scientific era?” but it actually answered a much more important question: “How much tweeting can one asshole do while watching two guys debate nonsense?”

Well, like the proverbial poop that covered the deck of Noah’s Ark, A LOT!

I even managed to squabble with complete strangers who took offense with some of my tweets, which in a way was a mirror of the debate happening on the stage at the Creation Museum– one person remarking on observed/observable reality while another references an old book they were trained to believe is true. Though, unlike Mr. Nye, I used that age-old debating tactic of speculating on the size of god’s penis. It’s how I win most arguments.

Anyway, since I’m a whore for validation and feel that my brilliance is too brilliant to disappear down the diarrhea-fall that is Twitter, I gathered the tweets and have them below in the order they appeared.

So get out your eye-gouging spoons and watch the “debate” here:

Here are the tweets:

I’ll tell you one scientific argument that doesn’t need debate: Whether bow ties are sexy. They are! #creationdebate

Ironic that Ken Ham won the privilege of going first via random selection. #CreationDebate #CoinToss

“I believe the word ‘science’ has been hijacked by secularists.” Well, if you BELIEVE it, then it must be true. #CreationDebate

Ken Ham gets his evidence for creationism from the only peer-reviewed journal he’s ever read: The Bible. #CreationDebate

Bill Nye coming out strong by talking about bow ties. I assume he’s heading towards opposable thumbs. #CreationDebate

Wait, how could Bill Nye imply The Flood didn’t happen? Hasn’t he ever seen all those historical cartoons? #CreationDebateark 600

Fuck, I gotta listen to Ken Ham for thirty minutes? It’s like being at church but without the babes to silently leer at. #CreationDebate

All these people who believe the book of Genesis is true have clearly never read the book of Nintendo. #CreationDebate

Ken Ham’s argument is: These other loons have jobs. What now, bitches? #CreationDebate

Wait, they’re not referring to Phil Collins’s first album? #CreationDebate

Why does ANYTHING have to be the “ultimate authority”? #CreationDebate

I completely disagree with biblical creationists but I do agree on one thing: naked babes in gardens seems pretty sweet. #CreationDebate

Religious people are the real victims here. They don’t get to use the words “evolution” and “science” like in the Bible. #CreationDebate

A microbiology degree from Oklahoma university is just a bunch of classes where they tell you not to bang your sister. #CreationDebate

Ken Ham stole my OkCupid screen name. I’M the real Observational Science Bloke! #creationdebate

It’s not a debate about anything scientific if the word ‘sin’ gets used. #creationdebate

In Australia they’re sending a car to Paul Hogan’s house. “Mr. Hogan, your country needs you.” #creationdebate

Because of that Larry King is old joke, the moderator isn’t getting invited to this year’s orgy. #creationdebate

Ken Ham teaches children they are created in the image of god, which is why god is in diapers and has boogers on his face. #creationdebate

The reason it took God 6 days to create all that exists is because the 5-day workweek didn’t exist back then. #creationdebate

The only dumb thing Bill Nye ever said was “yes” to this debate. #creationdebate

Convincing a room of people who believe in magic that the magic they believe isn’t magic would be a really neat magic trick. #creationdebate

Next week, Bill Nye is going to debate George Zimmerman on gun control. #creationdebate

Faith is belief without evidence. It’s how I know I had a threesome. #creationdebate

“Traditional fish sex” is the kind of sex described in the Bible. #creationdebate

The thing that allows a person to change his mind is the thing religious people don’t have: doubt. #creationdebate (I think.)

Of course man and dinosaur co-existed. How do you think Jesus got around? He drove a triceratops. #creationdebate

Ken Ham’s response: “Yeah, but this book says…” #creationdebate

sin 600

Radioactive dating is not the recommended way to meet a mate. Try going to a bar or a website. #creationdebate

How can you debate someone who starts from a core belief in supernatural events nobody alive was there to witness? #creationdebate

Nice to see Australians can be just as dumb and ignorant as Americans. The exports must be working. #creationdebate

He made a good point about sharp teeth. Otherwise, we’d still be confused about all those vampire fossils. #creationdebate

Each audience member will find a commemorative sun dial under their chairs. #creationdebate

God can see you masturbating even with the lights off. He has night-vision eyes and he’s very fear-sighted. #creationdebate

Being a religious kook must have been a lot easier before all this annoying “testing” and “rational thinking” got started. #creationdebate

My favorite color is whatever color Jesus was, which is WHITE. White, you got that? White as baby fuckin’ Jesus’s ass! #creationdebate

Religious people are terrified of not having answers. Scientists are terrified of not having questions. #creationdebate

Bill Nye’s brother’s name is Steve Nye the UPS Guy. #creationdebate

Ken Ham literally takes the bible literally. Well, not literally literally. More metaphorically literally. Literally. #creationdebate

What’s weirder? God having genitals or God not having genitals? Close your eyes and picture both. Glorious! #creationdebate

When it comes to masturbation, Ken is very Ham-fisted. #creationdebate

Religion’s a great evolutionary adaptation. It allows for numerous mating opportunities, often multiple times per marriage. #creationdebate

“Finchin’ ain’t easy but it’s necessary.” – Charles Darwin #creationdebate

Bill Nye is a patriot? So that’s who’s replacing Tom Brady. #creationdebate

The winner of that debate was Twitter. We got ’em again, everybody! Good work, chirpers. We’re a few hours closer to death. #creationdebate

Keep science where it belongs: in the science classroom. Keep religion where it belongs: in the science classroom. #creationdebate

It’s gonna be awkward when Bill Nye gets to heaven and god is all like what now what now JK you’re just on drugs. #creationdebate

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Marvel’s Agents of Shield has an online recap show, DECLASSIFIED (presented by Verizon). It’s hosted by Brett Erlich. Brett’s one of those naturally funny guys who makes it look easy, and I should know because easy things are my favorite things.

No, I’m not jealous. Anyway, thanks to Brett, I make brief but bald appearances in episode 10 of DECLASSIFIED. You WON’T BELIEVE how good I am at not knowing how to act. Check it out!

It’s hard not to be inspired by a performance like that. In fact, saving lives is why I became an actor.

In case you’re weird, here’s a screenshot. I’m the one on the left:

agents of shield

Because of brave trail-blazers like me, generations of surprised people will have the freedom to loudly spit champagne and other fluids on the floors, tables and walls of their friends and loved ones, free from the suppression and judgment our expectorating ancestors faced.

Watch full episodes of Agents of Shield on ABC.com.

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MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT REGARDING SOME BULLSHIT

by Hank Thompson on December 5, 2013

What’s that, Internet? Not enough content? Not enough podcasts? Not enough loudmouth white guys sharing their opinions despite overwhelming ignorance? Well, you’re in the luck because The Winners & Losers show is coming back! You heard it here second. Chicago’s favorite podcast has a new home: Not Chicago. It’s been re-tooled and re-polished and will be blasting off in mere units of time! Set your watches, start your dials, drown your pets, the Winners & Losers Show is back almost!

Stay tuned.

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Los Angeles

by Hank Thompson on November 15, 2013

It’s been some time since I posted and for anyone wondering why the answer is simple: Los Angeles. Yes, that’s right. I got a job working for The Young Turks and so I sold all my shit, sold off my business, loaded up my Subaru and hauled my ass across the country.

It’s been an absolutely insane past six months. Instead of rehashing every little detail, I’ll post what I wrote on Facebook a day or two after arriving in LA:

Wow. I’m starting to realize moving to California hasn’t been some crazy dream or a spell cast on me by some maligned former gypsy ex-girlfriend, of which there are many. I’m actually here now. It’s beginning to feel real. I had such little time to arrange my affairs and get out of Chicago and I wish I could have said bye to more people and more places. In my last week, though, I found myself gazing up and around Chicago at the beauty that defines the city, pausing to take pause. There is so much to appreciate and so much to miss. Don’t take it for granted. More than anything, I’ll miss the Chicago comedy community. I’ll forever be thankful and proud that I got to be a part of such a vibrant, creative and drunk group of people. I made lifelong friends and enemies that I’ll cherish forever. Thanks to Jeff Steinbrunner for helping make it happen, even though the guy either napped feverishly or wagged his tongue out the window the whole drive out. No matter, he was, and is, exactly the friend he’s always been. One adventure ends, another begins and I look forward to starting a new list of wonderful embarrassing failures in the Laughter Industry here in LA. Remember: an audience of one is still an audience. Clap for yourself, fuckfaces. Also, if I’m back in Chicago five weeks from now let’s just pretend none of this moving shit ever happened. Love you all. -Hank

It all happened so fast that I had to cast aside some priorities for a while, one of them being this blog. And the podcast. And my health.

More soon!

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A Cold Splash of Warm Water – Man in the Mirror Edition

by Hank Thompson on February 8, 2013

Gawker published some of what was revealed after former President and Happiest Retiree Ever George W Bush was hacked by some dude who likes being investigated. Among the many files taken were images of these two self-portraits, which the piece reports Bush sent to his sister. *SLAPS FOREHEAD*

GW self portraits

Wow. I mean, just, wow.

Assuming these are real, it is clear that the man missed his calling. Why did he waste all that time leadering the free world? His use of lighting, perspective and grout demonstrate the kind of talent that can’t be taught. The composition, the brushstrokes, other artsy words–  He does them all so beautifully. Bush captures the  joy of a gushing faucet that only a fourteen-year-old girl can appreciate. Or a sixty-six-year-old man.

I can’t help but want to jump in that tub with him and do some platonic man-scissoring, water-board rubber ducks for “quackformation”, be regaled between playful splashing about his adventures in that kickass helicopter and how he performed massages on female foreign heads-of-state who didn’t even know they wanted one. That’s how good these paintings are. It’s the kind of skill that makes even the greats jealous. Salvador Dali must be melting in his grave.

Anyway, the one on the left reminded me of something. Notice the face in the mirror? I, too, have a self-portrait (to be fair- mine is merely a photo) that features my face peering out of a circular mirror. Here, I put them side-by-side:

GW self side by side Hank

Eerie, no?

Obviously the former Big Sword and I share more in common than mere skin color and an inability to eat pretzels without choking. It’s a similarity I’m not proud of but hey, as the saying goes, great men and war criminals think alike.

I use that picture for my facebook profile because I want people to feel welcomed and comforted when they visit my page. It’s inspired comments such as “This looks like a POV shot from a woman you’re about to murder” and “HAHAHAHA.”

But the people who have enjoyed seeing my disembodied head looming  from around a dark corner are few compared to the millions throughout the world who, thanks to an intrepid hacker, now get a glimpse of an aging scion during his most intimate and most naked moments.

The difference is he has the bravery to act on the exact same quiet reflection we all do in the privacy of the bathroom: we get naked and think, “I should paint this.”

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