My Weekly Week In Politics, an update:
My attempt to start a rumor that Donald Trump wants to bang his son failed. My hope was that if word got out that Trump wanted to insert his penis into his male son and/or vice versa, he would be forced to correct the record that no, in fact, he only wants to bang his daughter, something he has indicated several times. Publicly. Into microphones. In front of cameras. On television. With her present.
The idea was that by bringing to light the creepy weird truth that he (a father) wants to have sex with his daughter (a daughter), his chances of becoming President of The United States would be drastically diminished, thereby saving our Great Country.
Save for what, you ask? Later, of course.
Even by the low, low standards of the American voter, the professed desire to fuck one’s daughter should be a disqualification for being Leader of the Free World, Most Powerful Man on Earth, Queen of the Andals, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea and POTUS with the MOSTUS.
You wouldn’t think it needed to be said, but well, here we are.
During the recent Republican Kingsmoot, I wrote several tweets designed to spread this made-up fact including:
Let’s start a rumor that Trump wants to bang his son so he has to correct the record that no, he only wants to bang his daughter.
By the way, Donald Trump wants to have sex with his son. Son sex. He wants to bang. Pass it on.
Did you hear the rumor that Trump wants to have sexual relations with his son? I started the rumor so it must be true.
Making America A Murderer Again. — This tweet doesn’t have anything to do with son or daughter-banging but it’s fun anyway.
Because I added the #GOPDebate hashtag, I assumed my carefully-crafted lie would catch on from sea to polluted sea, igniting the echo chamber and executing my plan to preserve Democracy and Decency for four more years but evidently others were using the hashtag at the same time so my deliberate, willful bullshit lie that Donald Trump wants to make hot sweaty belly queefs with his grown son failed to gain an audience beyond those unfortunate enough to follow me on Twitter. @Hank_Thompson
Beyond the long list of reasons a Donald Trump Presidency would be catastrophic for our country, hemisphere, planet and solar system, wanting to have sex with your offspring makes the decision to exile him from influence easy. It’s such a no-brainer our Founding Fathers left it out of the Constitution. Surely it was in the first few drafts — “We the people (who don’t bang our daughters and/or sons) of the United States…” — but the drunk slave-owning warlords who started this country, geniuses that they were, offered humanity more faith than we deserved apparently. We’re on the verge of electing a man who not only wants to fuck his own daughter but thinks it’s okay to say so. What a let down.
To be fair, and forgive me for being descended from horny savage apes, I want to bang his daughter, too. I get it. She’s intelligent, poised, strong and beautiful– all qualities that arouse the ancient DNA I’m cursed with. But I’m not her Dad so it’s okay (as okay as it can be for any of us to reflexively lust after youth and symmetry) for me to say that. I’m a guy in his 30s. My banging years aren’t over (hopefully). Unlike me, Donald Trump is her father. Fathers aren’t supposed to bang their daughters. They’re not even supposed to want to. And they’re not supposed to have the horrifying lack of self-awareness and judgment that thinks saying so publicly, into microphones, in front of cameras, on television, with her present is an okay thing to do.
That doing so isn’t an immediate disqualification from society, let alone the White House where they have nuclear codes and a kick-ass meal plan, says more about us than it does about him.
Oh, by the way, I heard a rumor Donald Trump wants to fuck your son, your daughter, your husband, your wife, your pet, your grandparents, even you.
Did you hear that? I heard it. It must be true. Has to be. True true true.
Take comfort in knowing he can’t actually do all that but he sure as hell could fuck your future.